Wednesday, June 1, 2011

PROFESSOR ED AVERY’S CORTIZONE-FUELED, BIGGER-THAN-LIFE, SUPER BIG GULP-SIZED SUMMER MOVIE QUIZ



Well, kids, it’s been a long time since the staff at SLIFR University has failed to come up with a quarterly film quiz, but this past spring break that’s exactly what happened. The reason, however, is far from mundane. You see, the department heads all decided to go on break together, figuring that they would leave the assembly of the quiz for after the vacation period, as a sort-of-welcome-back-to-the-grueling-reality-of-academia present to the student body. Well, all was well and good for these kind and gentle educators as they enjoyed what was intended to be a relaxing getaway under the warm skies and amid the gentle breezes of Lake Havasu, Arizona. They fished. They swam. They (shhh!) drank beer. Some of them even jet-skied. (Mr. Hand, you are irrepressible and forever young!) But on the day before they were to return, the lake’s big spring break going-away party turned into a nightmare straight out of some B-grade horror picture when something got into the water and, unfortunately, most of the SLIFR staff did not get out of the water in time.

So, after a suitable period of mourning (and mop-up), we surviving staff members decided that cancellation of the proposed post-spring break film quiz was the only appropriate course of action. (Besides, we suspect that the notepad with all the questions on it went down in a dark-red whirlpool along with the lifeless carcass of student favorite Professor Gabe Kotter.)

However, with apologies to Emilio Estevez (and whoever it was that wrote the book), that was then and this, by golly, is now, so on we march. Memorial Day has passed, and we find ourselves, students and teachers alike, on the precipice of a bright, sunny new summer day. And with that in mind, we now present the newest SLIFR movie quiz, this one in memory of our fallen colleagues who dedicated their lives to the betterment of our society through knowledge and who gave their lives so that a pack of mutant piranha would go hungry not a day longer.


Time now for introductions. The young professor who will preside over the administration of this latest quiz is one who, were it not for a pre-existing medical condition, might well have joined that ill-fated group of frolicking faculty in gruesome death on the shores and beneath the waves of Lake Havasu. But he stayed behind, as he was not feeling at all well, and received treatment, which, he assures us, has righted his ship smartly and put him back on the productive road of service to his fellow man. Professor Ed Avery, head of the American History department here at SLIFR, is a hard-working chap who has great love for his students, even if he does seem a bit impatient at times. But faced with willful resistance or (let’s just say it) stupidity, Prof. Avery is not one to let his views go unheard. In fact, since his return from a brief hospitalization, there have been a couple of incidents involving confrontations with parents who, according to Avery and a few witnesses, “didn’t care to hear the truth about their little Susie being a moral midget, the victim of childhood, a congenital disease for which education is the only cure.” Now admittedly, this is a pretty big pill to swallow, and should you have any questions Professor Avery has assured us that since the adoption of his new pharmaceutical regimen he is much calmer, more even, more able to see life as it really is, and he promises that the new outlook will prevent any further such eruptions.

Therefore, we are pleased to present the following exam composed by our highlighted educator, Professor Ed Avery’s Cortizone-Fueled, Bigger-Than-Life, Super Big-Gulp-Sized Summer Movie Quiz! We feel quite confident that you will enjoy it as much or more than any of the previous editions, even if you should be haunted by the images of those who used to tread these hallowed halls, books and papers in hand, whose mangled skeletons lay silent at the bottom of an Arizona lake, stripped of flesh and unrecognizable as the respected members of academia they once were.

As always, we ask that you copy and paste the questions into your word processing program of choice and attach your answers to the questions so casual readers won’t have difficulty processing which witty reply goes with which witty query. We ask that you compose your answers in a word processing program rather than in the comments field underneath the post because of the annoying limit on characters (somewhere around 4,100 per post) that has been imposed by Blogger on lengthy responses.

Other than that, there are no restrictions or limits to your answers. As we here at SLIFR strictly believe, the longer the response, the better and more entertaining. So have at it. And don’t fear if Professor Avery yells at you once or twice. Just encourage him to take another pill and all will eventually be fresh roses and white picket fences once again. (And thanks to the students who have polished Professor Avery’s apple and provided additional questions to be included in this new quiz. Your names have been included below next to your contribution and extra credit points will be added.)

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1) Depending on your mood, your favorite or least-loved movie cliché

2) Regardless of whether or not you eventually caught up with it, which film classic have you lied about seeing in the past?

3) Roland Young or Edward Everett Horton?

4) Second favorite Frank Tashlin movie

5) Clockwork Orange-- yes or no?

6) Best/favorite use of gender dysphoria in a horror film
(Ariel Schudson)

7) Melanie Laurent or Blake Lively?

8) Best movie of 2011 (so far…)

9) Favorite screen performer with a noticeable facial deformity
(Peg Aloi)

10) Lars von Trier: shithead or misunderstood comic savant? (Dean Treadway)

11) Timothy Carey or Henry Silva?

12) Low-profile writer who deserves more attention from critics and /or audiences

13) Movie most recently viewed theatrically, and on DVD, Blu-ray or streaming

14) Favorite film noir villain

15) Best thing about streaming movies?

16) Fay Spain or France Nuyen?
(Peter Nellhaus)

17) Favorite Kirk Douglas movie that isn’t called Spartacus (Peter Nellhaus)

18) Favorite movie about cars

19) Audrey Totter or Marie Windsor?

20) Existing Stephen King movie adaptation that could use an remake/reboot/overhaul

21) Low-profile director who deserves more attention from critics and/or audiences

22) What actor that you previously enjoyed has become distracting or a self-parody?
(Adam Ross)

23) Best place in the world to see a movie

24) Charles McGraw or Sterling Hayden?

25) Second favorite Yasujiro Ozu film

26) Most memorable horror movie father figure

27) Name a non-action-oriented movie that would be fun to see in Sensurround

28) Chris Evans or Ryan Reynolds?

29) Favorite relatively unknown supporting player, from either or both the classic and the modern era

30) Real-life movie location you most recently visited or saw

31) Second favorite Budd Boetticher movie

32) Mara Corday or Julie Adams?

33) Favorite Universal-International western

34) What's the biggest "gimmick" that's drawn you out to see a movie?
(Sal Gomez)

35) Favorite actress of the silent era

36) Best Eugene Pallette performance
(Larry Aydlette)

37) Best/worst remake of the 21st century so far? (Dan Aloi)

38) What could multiplex owners do right now to improve the theatrical viewing experience for moviegoers? What could moviegoers do?

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